I first moved to California in July 2009. I knew there were mountains surrounding me because I had visited before, however, I could not see the mountains; smog covered them for the first couple months I was here.
Though I knew they were there from memory, I could not see them. It was not until fall came and the smog cleared, I could see them clear as day.
Much like the smog covering the mountains, there are times in our lives where we cannot see clearly, and we may be tempted to lose faith. These past several months have been like that for me.
In June I was laid off at a job I was at for five years, causing uncertainty about what to do next and if I should remain living in California.
A couple months later my stepdad, who has been the only father figure to me, was diagnosed with non-Hodgkin’s Lymphoma (cancer). Though I am not there (in Wisconsin) I think about him all the time and am so sad he is going through this.
My teenage nieces and nephews have also been going through many trials and tribulations, which are hard for them. It is very difficult to hear about them suffering, I wish I could take all their pain away.
I feel extremely guilty for being here when my family is going through such tough times.
Additionally I have struggled with my weight and emotional eating habits, causing me to weigh the most I ever have. The weight concerns because I am pre-diabetic, I have knee problems and I also have had kidney stones (unusual for a woman my age).
I have also long desired a partner, a companion, a husband. Unfortunately none of the men I dated have come close (I realize I have chosen the wrong men).
At this time I “cannot see the mountains” but I know they are there, standing tall and strong, just like I need to be.
It is easy to have faith when we can see the mountains clearly, but the times we need to have the most faith, is when we can’t see the mountains.
I leave you with this quote which was written by a prisoner in the Nazi Concentration Camp in Auschwitz (who despite their horrific circumstances still had unwavering faith).
“I believe in the sun, even when it’s not shining.
I believe in love, even when I don’t feel it.
I believe in God, even when He is silent.”
Love and Light