I’ve dated men from different backgrounds, statures, and regions but one thing the majority of them had in common was they were emotionally unavailable.
“emotionally unavailable” refers to those who create barriers between themselves and others in an effort to avoid emotional intimacy.”
The ironic thing is, the guys I dated would open up to me, there is something about me that makes people want to share their stories (perhaps cuz i am very open with mine). However, there is a grave difference between telling someone your story and truly letting them in your life.
I found the more I opened up to men I dated and became emotionally vulnerable with them, they would often start pulling away.
I once dated a guy who told me we shouldn’t talk during the week of my period. Uh yea, he’d rather not talk to me a week out of every month than “deal” with my emotions. Needless to say we didn’t last very long.
He and the other emotionally unavailable men I dated never would fully let me in. They’d let me in just a little but would keep me at a distance so we never fully experienced true intimacy. Also most of them at the sign of any disagreement would disappear and not talk to me for a few days. Then come back with excuses like “oh I was trying to give you time to cool down” “oh I don’t like conflict.” Well guess what I don’t like grown men that think every discussion is an argument. I don’t like men that leave everytime a little issue occurs. I don’t like to argue or get loud I think it is disrespectful and unproductive, but if you can’t even stick around and have an adult conversation, we aren’t going to make it.
I have always been introspective so when I began to notice my pattern of dating emotionally unavailable men. I started getting inquisitive and asked myself why am I attracting them?
It is often said we attract who we are. So I wondered am I emtionally unavailable as well?
To my dismay, I realized I was.
I didn’t go days without talking to them and I actually wanted to get closer, but I was afraid.
My emotionally unavailable behavior was to push them away (not physically) but emotionally. When an argument would occur, I would say things like we shouldn’t talk anymore and goodbye take care etc. My fear was that they were going to leave me and I wanted to leave first so I didn’t feel as hurt ( this doesn’t work by the way).
I realized I was attracting emotionally unavailable people because I myself, was too. I can’t speak on the reasons they did what they did but it very well could have been the same reason as me; fear of rejection, fear of being vunerable, and fear of not being loved for who I really am.
Its a work in progress but I now know you cannot have a truly loving, fulfilling, or intimate relationship if one or both of you is emotionally unavailable.
It is our job as individuals to understand the oppositions within ourselves and mend the barriers we have that are preventing us from experiencing the beauty of true love and intimacy.
Love and light